I needed people to know who read this that not every day is a bad day.  Everyday is difficult in that I swing from emotion to emotion, but at the end of the day I can rest and reflect on the good.  Yesterday was a good day. I spent time writing my blog, which meant I got to reflect and think of my girl and her impact on me now. I cry through that process but when it's done I feel good.  It's good.  I walked my pups and then ran a couple miles for the first time in weeks. It felt great. I ended the evening spending time with my man and the World Series game 5 win for the Rangers.  I also was able to read comments and messages from readers which always gives me an ounce of healing. Today...I hope for a good day. Today is 5 month to the day that my girl has been taken from me  Yeah, all I can do is hope for a good day.

I have so many thought going around in my head, it’s been difficult to organize and write it down.  Today will jump around some just like my thoughts all day. 

Last weekend I spent time with my sister, brothers, sisters-in-law, bro-in-law and daddy.  It was soooo good.  My family understands me.  I didn’t have to wonder as much if I spoke of Maggie too often or anything that relates.  I could weave her in and out of conversation freely.  What a gift.  I know they have lost a niece and granddaughter.  They love her and miss her too.  Thanks family.

I love when I get to brag on my neighborhood. I came home from work Saturday night and noticed both sides of the street full of cars. This is far from unusual in my neighborhood.  Every weekend brings together large groups of people to the neighborhood to watch sports, eat and drink and be with each other. This weekend was no exception. I walked next door to find a neighbor quite intoxicated and as always very welcoming. We have a tragedy happening in our neighborhood, one in our family is found to be very sick and the outcome appearing for now to be grim. And boy, can I ever see the hurt. Through the jokes, laughter, conversation, drinking, there is hurting people. I know way too much about losing life these days.  I want to take away my neighbors pain and sadness, but I can't.  So I take a shot with them, hug them, talk with them, love them, hurt with them. I’ve learned through my experience that the best thing I can do is be present. I need to listen unendingly and pray for comfort.  I love my neighbors and want more than anything for me to be a vessel of Jesus’ love.  I will mourn with those who mourn.

Last night I lay in bed with my guy in the dark and did what we do every couple of weeks, check on each other’s “healing”. We talk about how we think we are doing and then give each other our perspective on the other.  My husband stated he has watched me seek out books, blogs, groups, anything to try and propel me forward and is proud of me. He feels he has plunged himself into television, music shows and time with certain friends trying to escape. I have worked really hard to face all that the darn grieving process brings to the table but had to confess that books and blogs have been my escape right back into the thick of things. I feel most comfortable lost in the stories and similar life views in trying to do the same thing as me, move forward without leaving my baby behind and trying to figure out how some people “get it” while others don’t at all. It takes an average of three years for parents whose children die to meet their balance of living life and having conversations that don’t forget their loss and yet still honor their lost one. Three years! It is easier for me to wrap myself up in grief than to be with others and fight for the balance. Conversation is awkward for others but it’s awkward for me too. I know I am far from where I will be years from now, but being in the early stages, my days really stink. I have never felt so isolated. I have spent my life with lots and lots of friends, you know the friends I work with, the friends I see in church. But I have only one really close friend besides my husband that I feel really understands me where I am and the path I will be on for my lifetime. This is a lonely path. I have to work really hard at not being angry in this loneliness. I haven’t been at church for the last three weeks for work and being out of town, but I wonder if anyone notices. I haven’t been to my care group circle of friends for many weeks, am I missed there? Does anyone wonder if I’m okay? Isolating. I am given invites on occasion, some I accept some I don’t.  I just need to know I’m not forgotten.

So what did we conclude this week for our healing? My guy needs to get away, stop the noise, turn off the television and spends some time thinking, processing, and praying alone. I’m still not sure where I stand. I am doing well in allowing myself to acknowledge my feelings, but I have a long way to go to reach my balance. I need to feel like I matter and have not been forgotten by people around me. I want to feel loved and included, and most of all I want to feel that the love and inclusion is genuine. I will be praying for this.

Lastly today, I want to ask, what do you think about the phrase “everything happens for a reason”? I have been pondering this for days. People mean well when they say this, but honestly I don’t think it is generally received well. What are your thoughts?

There was a day this week that a critical patient came into the emergency
department where I work. This person did not survive the physical insult to
their heart.  Door closed and curtain drawn, it was family time to say
goodbye to their loved one.

 Once family left security came through in a scramble, "shut the doors to your
patients rooms!". In my walkie ear piece I hear "keep visitors and patients in
the rooms, we are moving the body".

 Hours later another critical patient passed and the same scenario
repeated.

 Death.  It happens. We are human and we will all die.  Why is there
this need to shield each other from it, or even viewing it from a distance? I
get that the hospital needs those being treated to feel confident in their care,
but even after the best care possible, bodies fail.

 "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his faithful servants"
Psalm 116:15  I take great comfort in knowing that though people are
shuffled away and hidden behind closed doors,  the Lord will celebrate when
I die and greet me with open arms!

 For some time I have wanted to make a death calendar.  What? You may
celebrate birthdays, but I now wish to celebrate death days.  It means a
great deal to have someone remember my loss.  I want to remember your
losses.  I purchased a pocket calendar for $2 at Walmart this week.  I
will have my baby name written down, my miscarriage, and my grandmothers babies
Bonnie and Wendall, cousin Susan and others dear to me.  Message me your
names and dates and ages, and your precious one will be added to my
calendar.  If you include an address I will try and send cards, but mostly,
I want to remember with you and hurt with you and celebrate with you. I am
especially interested in babes and miscarriages, but please include any loss you
wish or someone else who needs a loved one to be remembered.

 Loving Maggie from a distance today.

I have been going to a moms group that meets every week.  I don't know why I go. 
I want to be a mommy, I have been a mom, 26 days exactly, but I don't feel like I am a mom now. Some say, "Of course you are a mom, once a mom always a mom".  Well, have
your only child die off and see how you feel then.  This week we discussed
having a thankful heart.  
 
I shared with my group that during Maggie's birth, death, and burial  we
somehow made in through able to thank God for our blessings.  I had a scary
pregnancy yet still could take in the joys of a growing child in
my belly, even if the growing was sub par. A song that was our anchor during the
sea of hurt  and pain says "You give and take away, but my heart will
choose to say, Lord blessed be your name".  I don't know how, but me and my
husband have been able to keep our heads above the water and sing these words
and believe what we are singing.  Someone in the group immediately said
"with prayers".  Probably.  
 
I've been thinking the rest of this week about in the Bible in Mark 10:15
Jesus says, "anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a child will
never enter it".  Think about how children pray.  Simple, with a
thankful heart.  Here is my prayer of thanks.
 
thank You for my patient, understanding, loving husband
thank You for my mommy, daddy, brothers and sister
for rain
green grass
my job that I love and the people I work with
licorice
my phone
airplanes and pilots
baby blanket I sleep with every night
my car
my pretty hair color and cut
neclace with Maggie's name engraved
generosity of friends and family, some I've never met
church
music and playlists
internet
deadbabymama blogs
my pups, Eddie and Juno
Jesus
cards in the mail
getting the mail
pretty flowers on my table that match the flowers at Maggies grave
frozen pizzas and delivery
clean sheets

A couple of weeks ago two of my friends visited Maggie at the cemetary with me, one of them brought her two daughters.  Before we left the older girl was asked to say a prayer for Maggie.  This is how it started.  "Dear God, thank You for Maggie, thank you for the pretty flowers..."  The younger girl, barely walking age was prompted to say, "Goodbye, Maggie, we love you..."  Such a great moment for me.  Two little girls who love othes so easily, and love my Maggie. 

Last night I spent over an hour touring the inside of a home just a half a mile from the one I own.  Beautiful yard on a greater than one acre plot with plenty of trees that are viewable through many windows inside the house, which is adorable.  Basically, this is as close to my dream home and location I may ever get.  I know this house is just out of my grasp, but I can't help but hope and dream that it could be my future.  Now, I know this dream home won't be mine, yet I still can't shake it from my mind.  I spent that entire hour and still now wonder what that home would look like with my things in it.  Which room would work well for a nursery? What color rug could I get for my children to play safely on over the concrete flooring?  Would my counter height table set look right in the kitchen and dining area?  I wonder if I could keep the window treatments?

My life is different then it used to be.  I love my job, the Texas heat is meant for me, I have a selfless husband who loves me more than I understand, and am surrounded by church family and friends who only want the best for me and wait patiently to be whatever I need them to be when I am ready.  Yet, I still long for more.  Something is missing.  (might be my baby, just one theory tho)

I grew up very independent and worked hard for what I wanted and needed.  I am still that way. Working hard gets results.  I did not grow up with my emotions on my sleeve.  I was "strong" and kept all that mushy stuff inside.  My marriage has grown this part of me and I am thankful.  I like control of my environment and emotions and had thought if I worked hard and do things right, no harm comes my way, and I have control. 

Then Maggie died.

 I have no control. Control has been completely stripped from me.  I can buy clothes to make me happy for a few hours.  Closet full, tags removed, then...still no Maggie.  If I move to a new house, decorate and set up a new fantastic nursery...there is still no Maggie, and no growth to my family yet.  

I really don't want to have control anymore.  I know things on Earth are temporary and my desires should only be for God and His will.  This fallen world will fail my expectations over and over again.  I know I have to give in and be patient for God to work.  But boy, I really like my new dream house, and shopping and oh, maybe a baby.  Can't I control just a few things?