One year.  One year has passed since we first had any glimpse that the year and our life would be much different than planned.  It was Sunday night, Dec 19th, 2010.  “You need to go see your doctor, soon.”  I will never forget that. 

Tonight I worked my twelve-hour shift into the early morning.  As I headed out the door, I said goodbye and wished a merry Christmas to my co-workers.  Just before I left one of the doctors with a beard asks, “What do you want for Christmas?” all Santa Clause-like.  I immediately stated, “a healthy baby”, while in my head thinking “duh”!  I exited the building and for whatever reason started weeping. 

Then entered, the Bargaining Stage.  I found myself in the cold fog crying and praying to God to please let my baby live!  I realized exactly what was happening.  I know my Maggie is dead.  Not coming back.  But here I found myself bargaining, not for her life, but another inside me.  I just kept thinking, “what can I do God so that you will allow this one to live, I’ll do anything, please!”  Oh that pesky grieving process, caught me again.  I know this number three inside me has a strong heart beat, faster than Maggie’s ever was, and moves and squirms far more than Magster ever did on screen. But…God please let this one live!!! I will do anything!

Cool applicable bible verse inserted here.  I’m too tired now to search some out.  I think on these words often though from Psalms, “I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord…” Thank you for your help Lord, when I am weak, bargaining, tired.

Thank you to everyone who lit a candle for my family and daughter.  You made the remembrance bearable and really quite special.  I felt very cared about by the huge response.  Montana Christmas vacation starts tomorrow.  Eek!  I’m full of excited today.  Prayers are appreciated, I love you all.  Nighty night.

I know I haven’t written in awhile, but my brain just hasn’t made the words to write very clear.

I’ve had a really good couple of weeks. I’d like to take the words “time heals” and rough ‘em up a bit, but it’s true, and it’s not true.  At some point in the last few weeks I’ve made it past the point where my dead baby is not the only thing on my mind.  I do not feel the need for Maggie to be in all of my conversations, and no longer hope intensely that everyone, even at checkouts of stores the clerks will for some crazy reason bring up my personal grief and baby loss. Win.  I’ve realized this time could not be forced, but instead had to happen on it’s own.  Not to say that my baby and grief don’t occupy my mind anymore, they do, I’m just better at merging the real world and my own now, I guess.

That being said, Thanksgiving was rough. I’ve never been really into Holidays, where the presents had to be opened Christmas morning, and for Thanksgiving I usually just hope that the whole family can all be together at some point. When I woke up for Thanksgiving day this year I was a mess. I cried all morning and into the afternoon. The pain and sadness - it all consumed me completely. I didn’t go serve a meal to the less fortunate as I have the last few years. I felt selfish, but couldn’t bring myself to go. I visited Maggie’s grave and cried there, harder I think than I ever have.  I miss her. I was invited to join in on several meals but just wanted to be alone with my grief.  Then I went to work for twelve hours as best I could.

I say this to be honest, not to get sympathy.  It was hard.  I guess I also write this so readers may be mindful of people during the holidays that are missing someone special.

Christmas time I’ve realized is going to be really difficult. I knew it would be, but now I know how I may be overwhelmed.  I get to spend a whole week with my husband’s family in a beautiful place enjoying each others wittiness and loving spirits. But I am also very aware that there will be a new nephew of mine there - born less than two weeks before Maggie - who I really want to know, but I will watch take in all his “firsts” of Christmas while I take in all the “firsts” without my baby.  I ask for prayers over this. I want to be loving, caring and respectful to my family and still somehow be able to grieve my sadness and loss. I cry just thinking about it.

So Sunday is my birthday!  I can’t help but wonder what Maggie might have pointed to for her Daddy to buy me. Sheesh.

For the last 15 years The Compassionate Friends has organized candle-lighting services which are now happening worldwide for bereaved families of children of any age. Several countries and hundreds of US cities light candles the second Sunday of December at 7 p.m. local time.  It creates a virtual wave of light as time zone to time zone children are being remembered.  Maggie will be included in our local program and slide show.  Almost makes me nervous somehow!  

This year’s second Sunday is also my birthday! I am happy to share my day remembering her. What I would love for my birthday is for anyone with a memory or note about my daughter to send messages here in her remembrance.  Join me at 7 p.m. in letting her light shine and light a candle at home for one hour. I realize most people never got to meet her, but I do believe that her reach was far.

If anyone is interested in finding a local candle-lighting service The Compassionate Friends website goes state by state with cities hosting services. There are also services organized by some hospitals and small towns called Love Light Tree.  I did not find a common website of listed cities.