One year. One year has passed since we first had any glimpse that the year and our life would be much different than planned. It was Sunday night, Dec 19th, 2010. “You need to go see your doctor, soon.” I will never forget that.
Tonight I worked my twelve-hour shift into the early morning. As I headed out the door, I said goodbye and wished a merry Christmas to my co-workers. Just before I left one of the doctors with a beard asks, “What do you want for Christmas?” all Santa Clause-like. I immediately stated, “a healthy baby”, while in my head thinking “duh”! I exited the building and for whatever reason started weeping.
Then entered, the Bargaining Stage. I found myself in the cold fog crying and praying to God to please let my baby live! I realized exactly what was happening. I know my Maggie is dead. Not coming back. But here I found myself bargaining, not for her life, but another inside me. I just kept thinking, “what can I do God so that you will allow this one to live, I’ll do anything, please!” Oh that pesky grieving process, caught me again. I know this number three inside me has a strong heart beat, faster than Maggie’s ever was, and moves and squirms far more than Magster ever did on screen. But…God please let this one live!!! I will do anything!
Cool applicable bible verse inserted here. I’m too tired now to search some out. I think on these words often though from Psalms, “I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord…” Thank you for your help Lord, when I am weak, bargaining, tired.
Thank you to everyone who lit a candle for my family and daughter. You made the remembrance bearable and really quite special. I felt very cared about by the huge response. Montana Christmas vacation starts tomorrow. Eek! I’m full of excited today. Prayers are appreciated, I love you all. Nighty night.
Tonight I worked my twelve-hour shift into the early morning. As I headed out the door, I said goodbye and wished a merry Christmas to my co-workers. Just before I left one of the doctors with a beard asks, “What do you want for Christmas?” all Santa Clause-like. I immediately stated, “a healthy baby”, while in my head thinking “duh”! I exited the building and for whatever reason started weeping.
Then entered, the Bargaining Stage. I found myself in the cold fog crying and praying to God to please let my baby live! I realized exactly what was happening. I know my Maggie is dead. Not coming back. But here I found myself bargaining, not for her life, but another inside me. I just kept thinking, “what can I do God so that you will allow this one to live, I’ll do anything, please!” Oh that pesky grieving process, caught me again. I know this number three inside me has a strong heart beat, faster than Maggie’s ever was, and moves and squirms far more than Magster ever did on screen. But…God please let this one live!!! I will do anything!
Cool applicable bible verse inserted here. I’m too tired now to search some out. I think on these words often though from Psalms, “I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord…” Thank you for your help Lord, when I am weak, bargaining, tired.
Thank you to everyone who lit a candle for my family and daughter. You made the remembrance bearable and really quite special. I felt very cared about by the huge response. Montana Christmas vacation starts tomorrow. Eek! I’m full of excited today. Prayers are appreciated, I love you all. Nighty night.
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