Last night I spent over an hour touring the inside of a home just a half a mile from the one I own. Beautiful yard on a greater than one acre plot with plenty of trees that are viewable through many windows inside the house, which is adorable. Basically, this is as close to my dream home and location I may ever get. I know this house is just out of my grasp, but I can't help but hope and dream that it could be my future. Now, I know this dream home won't be mine, yet I still can't shake it from my mind. I spent that entire hour and still now wonder what that home would look like with my things in it. Which room would work well for a nursery? What color rug could I get for my children to play safely on over the concrete flooring? Would my counter height table set look right in the kitchen and dining area? I wonder if I could keep the window treatments?
My life is different then it used to be. I love my job, the Texas heat is meant for me, I have a selfless husband who loves me more than I understand, and am surrounded by church family and friends who only want the best for me and wait patiently to be whatever I need them to be when I am ready. Yet, I still long for more. Something is missing. (might be my baby, just one theory tho)
I grew up very independent and worked hard for what I wanted and needed. I am still that way. Working hard gets results. I did not grow up with my emotions on my sleeve. I was "strong" and kept all that mushy stuff inside. My marriage has grown this part of me and I am thankful. I like control of my environment and emotions and had thought if I worked hard and do things right, no harm comes my way, and I have control.
Then Maggie died.
I have no control. Control has been completely stripped from me. I can buy clothes to make me happy for a few hours. Closet full, tags removed, then...still no Maggie. If I move to a new house, decorate and set up a new fantastic nursery...there is still no Maggie, and no growth to my family yet.
I really don't want to have control anymore. I know things on Earth are temporary and my desires should only be for God and His will. This fallen world will fail my expectations over and over again. I know I have to give in and be patient for God to work. But boy, I really like my new dream house, and shopping and oh, maybe a baby. Can't I control just a few things?
My life is different then it used to be. I love my job, the Texas heat is meant for me, I have a selfless husband who loves me more than I understand, and am surrounded by church family and friends who only want the best for me and wait patiently to be whatever I need them to be when I am ready. Yet, I still long for more. Something is missing. (might be my baby, just one theory tho)
I grew up very independent and worked hard for what I wanted and needed. I am still that way. Working hard gets results. I did not grow up with my emotions on my sleeve. I was "strong" and kept all that mushy stuff inside. My marriage has grown this part of me and I am thankful. I like control of my environment and emotions and had thought if I worked hard and do things right, no harm comes my way, and I have control.
Then Maggie died.
I have no control. Control has been completely stripped from me. I can buy clothes to make me happy for a few hours. Closet full, tags removed, then...still no Maggie. If I move to a new house, decorate and set up a new fantastic nursery...there is still no Maggie, and no growth to my family yet.
I really don't want to have control anymore. I know things on Earth are temporary and my desires should only be for God and His will. This fallen world will fail my expectations over and over again. I know I have to give in and be patient for God to work. But boy, I really like my new dream house, and shopping and oh, maybe a baby. Can't I control just a few things?
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