I have so many thought going around in my head, it’s been difficult to organize and write it down. Today will jump around some just like my thoughts all day.
Last weekend I spent time with my sister, brothers, sisters-in-law, bro-in-law and daddy. It was soooo good. My family understands me. I didn’t have to wonder as much if I spoke of Maggie too often or anything that relates. I could weave her in and out of conversation freely. What a gift. I know they have lost a niece and granddaughter. They love her and miss her too. Thanks family.
I love when I get to brag on my neighborhood. I came home from work Saturday night and noticed both sides of the street full of cars. This is far from unusual in my neighborhood. Every weekend brings together large groups of people to the neighborhood to watch sports, eat and drink and be with each other. This weekend was no exception. I walked next door to find a neighbor quite intoxicated and as always very welcoming. We have a tragedy happening in our neighborhood, one in our family is found to be very sick and the outcome appearing for now to be grim. And boy, can I ever see the hurt. Through the jokes, laughter, conversation, drinking, there is hurting people. I know way too much about losing life these days. I want to take away my neighbors pain and sadness, but I can't. So I take a shot with them, hug them, talk with them, love them, hurt with them. I’ve learned through my experience that the best thing I can do is be present. I need to listen unendingly and pray for comfort. I love my neighbors and want more than anything for me to be a vessel of Jesus’ love. I will mourn with those who mourn.
Last night I lay in bed with my guy in the dark and did what we do every couple of weeks, check on each other’s “healing”. We talk about how we think we are doing and then give each other our perspective on the other. My husband stated he has watched me seek out books, blogs, groups, anything to try and propel me forward and is proud of me. He feels he has plunged himself into television, music shows and time with certain friends trying to escape. I have worked really hard to face all that the darn grieving process brings to the table but had to confess that books and blogs have been my escape right back into the thick of things. I feel most comfortable lost in the stories and similar life views in trying to do the same thing as me, move forward without leaving my baby behind and trying to figure out how some people “get it” while others don’t at all. It takes an average of three years for parents whose children die to meet their balance of living life and having conversations that don’t forget their loss and yet still honor their lost one. Three years! It is easier for me to wrap myself up in grief than to be with others and fight for the balance. Conversation is awkward for others but it’s awkward for me too. I know I am far from where I will be years from now, but being in the early stages, my days really stink. I have never felt so isolated. I have spent my life with lots and lots of friends, you know the friends I work with, the friends I see in church. But I have only one really close friend besides my husband that I feel really understands me where I am and the path I will be on for my lifetime. This is a lonely path. I have to work really hard at not being angry in this loneliness. I haven’t been at church for the last three weeks for work and being out of town, but I wonder if anyone notices. I haven’t been to my care group circle of friends for many weeks, am I missed there? Does anyone wonder if I’m okay? Isolating. I am given invites on occasion, some I accept some I don’t. I just need to know I’m not forgotten.
So what did we conclude this week for our healing? My guy needs to get away, stop the noise, turn off the television and spends some time thinking, processing, and praying alone. I’m still not sure where I stand. I am doing well in allowing myself to acknowledge my feelings, but I have a long way to go to reach my balance. I need to feel like I matter and have not been forgotten by people around me. I want to feel loved and included, and most of all I want to feel that the love and inclusion is genuine. I will be praying for this.
Lastly today, I want to ask, what do you think about the phrase “everything happens for a reason”? I have been pondering this for days. People mean well when they say this, but honestly I don’t think it is generally received well. What are your thoughts?
Last weekend I spent time with my sister, brothers, sisters-in-law, bro-in-law and daddy. It was soooo good. My family understands me. I didn’t have to wonder as much if I spoke of Maggie too often or anything that relates. I could weave her in and out of conversation freely. What a gift. I know they have lost a niece and granddaughter. They love her and miss her too. Thanks family.
I love when I get to brag on my neighborhood. I came home from work Saturday night and noticed both sides of the street full of cars. This is far from unusual in my neighborhood. Every weekend brings together large groups of people to the neighborhood to watch sports, eat and drink and be with each other. This weekend was no exception. I walked next door to find a neighbor quite intoxicated and as always very welcoming. We have a tragedy happening in our neighborhood, one in our family is found to be very sick and the outcome appearing for now to be grim. And boy, can I ever see the hurt. Through the jokes, laughter, conversation, drinking, there is hurting people. I know way too much about losing life these days. I want to take away my neighbors pain and sadness, but I can't. So I take a shot with them, hug them, talk with them, love them, hurt with them. I’ve learned through my experience that the best thing I can do is be present. I need to listen unendingly and pray for comfort. I love my neighbors and want more than anything for me to be a vessel of Jesus’ love. I will mourn with those who mourn.
Last night I lay in bed with my guy in the dark and did what we do every couple of weeks, check on each other’s “healing”. We talk about how we think we are doing and then give each other our perspective on the other. My husband stated he has watched me seek out books, blogs, groups, anything to try and propel me forward and is proud of me. He feels he has plunged himself into television, music shows and time with certain friends trying to escape. I have worked really hard to face all that the darn grieving process brings to the table but had to confess that books and blogs have been my escape right back into the thick of things. I feel most comfortable lost in the stories and similar life views in trying to do the same thing as me, move forward without leaving my baby behind and trying to figure out how some people “get it” while others don’t at all. It takes an average of three years for parents whose children die to meet their balance of living life and having conversations that don’t forget their loss and yet still honor their lost one. Three years! It is easier for me to wrap myself up in grief than to be with others and fight for the balance. Conversation is awkward for others but it’s awkward for me too. I know I am far from where I will be years from now, but being in the early stages, my days really stink. I have never felt so isolated. I have spent my life with lots and lots of friends, you know the friends I work with, the friends I see in church. But I have only one really close friend besides my husband that I feel really understands me where I am and the path I will be on for my lifetime. This is a lonely path. I have to work really hard at not being angry in this loneliness. I haven’t been at church for the last three weeks for work and being out of town, but I wonder if anyone notices. I haven’t been to my care group circle of friends for many weeks, am I missed there? Does anyone wonder if I’m okay? Isolating. I am given invites on occasion, some I accept some I don’t. I just need to know I’m not forgotten.
So what did we conclude this week for our healing? My guy needs to get away, stop the noise, turn off the television and spends some time thinking, processing, and praying alone. I’m still not sure where I stand. I am doing well in allowing myself to acknowledge my feelings, but I have a long way to go to reach my balance. I need to feel like I matter and have not been forgotten by people around me. I want to feel loved and included, and most of all I want to feel that the love and inclusion is genuine. I will be praying for this.
Lastly today, I want to ask, what do you think about the phrase “everything happens for a reason”? I have been pondering this for days. People mean well when they say this, but honestly I don’t think it is generally received well. What are your thoughts?
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