Today is Maggie's birthday! 6 months! Today we are celebrating two other friends birthdays but I can't help but think mostly of my baby girl all day long. Today I picked a small and perfectly round pumpkin to bring to her grave. People, my daughter is dead, but that doesn't keep me from trying to make memories. I pulled a wagon through the pumpkin patch and realized it was empty. There SHOULD be a baby in there, I thought. We SHOULD be taking fun fall pictures with pumpkins larger than her whole body. Instead, we left with two pumpkins to carve with a niece and nephew instead of our baby and a tiny round and orange ball that fit in my hand, shoulders slumped. I try really hard not to play the "what if" and "what would" and " should" game, but today I just can't help it. What would she look like today? I walked through Walmart tonight and saw infant Halloween costumes in the distance. What would we have dressed her as? Lady bug? Bumble bee? Went on a hayride and wished I could get a picture taken of me and Maggie on the ride in her costume but...
I mostly wish today that I got to tell her all about pumpkins! Silly, maybe. But I want to tell her about the color orange and how pumpkins grow on vines and that people come from all over to patches and choose their favorite shape to take home. How we paint them different colors sometimes while most people carve out faces or shapes or scenes, some beautiful, others scary. I long to take Maggie's sweet misshapen hands and let her feel the slimy, stringy insides and slide the slippery seeds between her fingers. I wanted to bake the seeds with her and then display her pumpkin with a flickering candle, and watch her take it in.
I try to turn off my impulses everyday to wish and wonder and what if. And it happens everyday, many times a day. Today it couldn't be ignored.
It's strange that I've been surrounded by people all day and my mind has been in a completely different state. I can't explain how or why, but it's lonely.
Enjoy your pumpkin baby girl. Missing you.
I mostly wish today that I got to tell her all about pumpkins! Silly, maybe. But I want to tell her about the color orange and how pumpkins grow on vines and that people come from all over to patches and choose their favorite shape to take home. How we paint them different colors sometimes while most people carve out faces or shapes or scenes, some beautiful, others scary. I long to take Maggie's sweet misshapen hands and let her feel the slimy, stringy insides and slide the slippery seeds between her fingers. I wanted to bake the seeds with her and then display her pumpkin with a flickering candle, and watch her take it in.
I try to turn off my impulses everyday to wish and wonder and what if. And it happens everyday, many times a day. Today it couldn't be ignored.
It's strange that I've been surrounded by people all day and my mind has been in a completely different state. I can't explain how or why, but it's lonely.
Enjoy your pumpkin baby girl. Missing you.
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